There is a scene in the movie where Tom is meeting his girls for the first time. Being a misogynistic ex pro ball player, he staggers into the room, slobbering drunk, makes his way to the urinal and pees for 51 seconds straight.
Readers, all of the sudden, as I was covering my daughter’s eyes & ears with a pillow, I realized something. I mean, I hadn’t watched this movie in probably eleventy hundred years but I remembered a pee scene from a different Tom Hanks movie: The Green Mile… then I remembered another Tom Hanks Pee scene. Then all I could think about was all the times I was witness to Tom Hanks pretending to tinkle.. or not pretending? Tom Hanks pees in an alarming number of movies, Readers. So I thought to myself, “Self,” I thought, “it’s time to compile a list of Tom Hanks movies that center around peeing” because right now at our house, we are all about praising people for using the potty. Tom Hanks’ potty chart is going to be FULL of checkmarks. FULL. So here it is:
1. A League of Their Own: As I mentioned before, Tom pees for nearly a full minute as the girls time him and all stand around being terribly impressed. Especially Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell.
2. Forrest Gump: Forrest does the peepee dance while waiting in line to meet President John F Kennedy after drinking 15 Dr Peppers. He quickly shakes JFK’s hand and tells him that he has to pee when asked what it feels like to be an All American Football Star.
3. The Green Mile: Hanks plays a prison guard who is afflicted with a devastating urinary tract infection. The infection is magically healed by an inmate on death row and Hanks pees triumphantly. In fact, his wife is so pleased that his infection is cleared up and they can resume the no-sleepy-hookyhookie that she sends a gift of cornbread to the inmate. The pee scene is some classic Tom Hanks style drainage. Your heart swells with joy for him and his pees and pees and pees and pees, because in previous scenes, Tom sweats bullets trying to pee. This is not the movie’s only pee scene, everyone. There are several.
4. The Road to Perdition: Hanks’ character proclaims that coffee not only makes him sweat but it makes him piss too, and he leaves for the bathroom where he escapes a hitman. Peeing saves his LIFE.
5. Cast Away- No Potty? Pee in the ocean. Rumor has it, though, that he wasn’t REALLY peeing in this scene. He cheated and used a squirt bottle.. or supersoaker to really demonstrate how much he had to pee. Also, Tom cranks it up a notch, too in this movie, everyone… Tom Hanks apparently poops in a bush and kicks sand on it. Thanks for going the distance, Tom. I for one feel like I really know what it’s like to be stranded on a desert island now.
6. Apollo 13- Hanks Demonstrates the science of peeing in space. I won’t show you the shot of the pee spraying out of the space ship later on. You’re welcome.
7. The Money Pit- Tom Hanks notices a statue with a peeing problem while he himself is out watering his lawn. Being an expert on peeing, Hanks asks the statue if it has prostate trouble. A laugh riot ensues.
8. The Terminal: Hanks’ character has to wait too long for a phone call, then ruuuuuuns to the bathroom (to pee).
9. Saving Private Ryan: Hanks describes peeing a victorious letter “V ” onto on the jackets of his comrades.
10. Splash: You know he peed in that water. I mean come on, he was unconscious from a boat accident.
11. The Bachelor Party- Tom Hanks doesn’t do any peeing, but a drag queen does- ending a preconceived notion that he was a she. (Sophisticated 80s humor).
Come to think of it, I suspect that when Tom Hanks is confronted with a new script, it goes something like this:
Tom Hanks: Is there any peeing in this movie? *sips water*
Tom’s Agent: Well, there isn’t any peeing in the original script here, Tom.
Tom: Well do they want me to play the role or not? *downs some coffee*
Tom’s Agent: Maybe we could counter with a clause that they add a peeing scene. How about you pee into a fountain?
Tom: A fountain huh? Yes. Add the fountain idea. Then I’ll do it. *shotguns a red bull*
Tom’s Agent: Or maybe at the end of the movie, you could pee out of a helicopter?
Tom: Yeah, that’s a good idea. Put in that I get to pee out of a helicopter and it lands in a fountain below.. *takes some water pills*
Agent: But won’t the helicopter have to hover in one place for you to finish?
Tom: Make it the Bellagio Fountain in Vegas.. at night… so that it eclipses their light show. *sips from his beer hat*
Tom’s Agent: But it’s Toy Story 4….
Tom: Tell them that my character is now a “Betsy Wetsy” doll. It can be the plot twist. *slurps an orange slushie*
Toms Agent: Just a second.. I’m writing this down…. Betsy….. Wetsy….. I don’t think they’ll go for it, Tom.
Tom: They need me so they’ll do it. *Takes flask of hooch from jacket pocket*.
In fact, there might be enough talking about peeing in that mini script that I just wrote that Tom Hanks might even be willing to act it out.
Anyhow, that is as far as I am willing to go into the depths of Tom Hanks pee flicks. If I missed any, feel free to add them. This is important work I’m doing, readers… important work.