A Man’s Best Friends: Bears and Bondage

Come a little closer. I just want to ask you something… honestly. No worries.

After pouting at my desk for most of this week, struggling desperately to gather the motivation to complete just 1 simple task on my endless to-do list, I realized that my life seriously sucks.  When did I give up all those hopes and dreams of a wildly adventurous life in order to settle for this banal existence?  If I could do it all again, I’d live big and I’d go out big; here’s how I’d do it.

First, I’d want to be eccentric, crazy, or even better, crazy eccentric!  I’d do that whole Michael Jackson gimmick of collecting rare and exotic things, except instead of the Elephant Man’s bones, I’d collect dangerous exotic animals like tigers, bears, snakes (no crazy man’s compound is complete without a snake pit), wolves, gators, and gorillas!  All roaming free in my back yard.  Second, in order to get my name out there, I’d need some kind of publicity stunt.  Perhaps if one of my animal caretakers got attacked or something – like if one got mauled by one of the bears – that would definitely be news worthy!  Third, I’d have to go the extra mile and throw something insanely random into that life… like a serious penchant for bondage and kinky sex!  I mean think about it, who wouldn’t be enthralled by a guy that spends his days caring for dangerous beasts and wrestling bears, and then spends his nights getting viciously whipped by high-heeled mistresses decked out in full leather bondage gear?!  It’s a win-win.  With an extra side of win on top.

Warning: Leaving device in throat for extended periods of time is disadvantageous to health.

But there’s one last detail – my untimely demise.  I can only imagine that a “crazy eccentric” dies doing what he loves.  So after a meth-driven day of bear wrestling and gator wrangling, I’d get all gussied up in my leather man-slave gear, get hand cuffed to the bed, and shove sex toys down my throat until I died.

*As I’m writing this, my wife all of a sudden shouts from another room*  “Someone already did that hon.”
*I yell back*  “Wait, what? Was I saying all this stuff out loud? Nevermind – what do you mean someone already did that?”
Wife:  “Some wild animal owner in Ohio was found dead with a sex toy in his throat.”
Me:  “What? Are you shitting me?”
Wife:  “Nope.  Guy’s name was Sam Mazzola; he was found wearing bondage gear, face down and chained to his water bed with a sex toy lodged in his throat.  Apparently he was also an avid collector of dangerous wild animals like bears, tigers, and wolves.  And for the coup de grâce, one of his killer bears mauled some dude to death about a year ago.”
Me:  “Son of a…”