Hi world, Bryn Hoppy here. If you’ve been living under a rock for over a year, then allow me to introduce myself instead as Bethenny Frankel’s 1 year old daughter. And if you don’t know who my mom is, then chances are you have no clue what the “internet” or a “computer” is either, and you’re clearly not worth talking to right now.
Anyhow, as my life of luxury inevitably continues down its path of satin diapers and gold plated pacifiers, I thought I’d start garnering some fame of my own. That’s why I’ve decided to go public here on Sprocket Ink, to share a few insider secrets. You see, my mom has amassed a towering empire from her no-nothing roots, all due to reality TV – you know, the TV genre that all you pathetic morons can’t get enough of? Hahaha – funny side note – each night instead of reading me a bedtime story, mom and I like to ponder and banter about what must be wrong with all your sad and screwed up lives that cause you to devour shows like “The Real Housewives.” Oh it’s a riot.
I digress. So mom just sold her Skinny Girl cocktail line for about $120 million to the folks that also distribute Jim Beam. Yup, you saw that correctly, 120 million dollars bitches. You know how many nannies that’s going to score me? The flagship cocktail is no doubt the Skinny Girl Margarita, a barely noticeable spin on the regular margarita. Hell, I can hardly figure out what’s different about it. Mom says she shaved off a few calories from the original recipe, but the recipe on her website looks pretty damn close to the original – maybe a tiny bit less Triple Sec? But that’s the genius of it all! Why change a good thing? Just tweak 1 small piece, slap your name on it, and watch the money roll in. I’m already pitching some ideas that I’m sure you’ll be seeing soon: the Refreshing Girl Margarita (1 extra ice cube), the Fat Girl Margarita (replace lime juice with bacon grease), and the Raging Bitch Margarita (dash of hot sauce).
It’s not all fun and games though, sometimes the scum of the earth beg for handouts. For instance, a former manager of mom is coming after her for a big chunk of that business deal, almost $112 million of it. But that assface won’t get far, I’ve watched mom eat chumps like that for brunch. She’s unstoppable people. Why? Because you losers will feverishly buy anything with her face plastered all over it. And you know what, that’s gonna be me soon – my cute, pudgy little mug is going to grace the labels of organic baby foods, diapers, cell phones, luxury baby-sized SUVs, you name it. So get ready world, Bryn Hoppy is about to make you my bitch.