Hi world, Bryn Hoppy here. If you’ve been living under a rock for over a year, then allow me to introduce myself instead as Bethenny Frankel’s 1 year old daughter. And if you don’t know who my mom is, then chances are you have no clue what the “internet” or a “computer” is either, and you’re clearly not worth talking to right now.
Anyhow, as my life of luxury inevitably continues down its path of satin diapers and gold plated pacifiers, I thought I’d start garnering some fame of my own. That’s why I’ve decided to go public here on Sprocket Ink, to share a few insider secrets. You see, my mom has amassed a towering empire from her no-nothing roots, all due to reality TV – you know, the TV genre that all you pathetic morons can’t get enough of? Hahaha – funny side note – each night instead of reading me a bedtime story, mom and I like to ponder and banter about what must be wrong with all your sad and screwed up lives that cause you to devour shows like “The Real Housewives.” Oh it’s a riot.
I digress. So mom just sold her Skinny Girl cocktail line for about $120 million to the folks that also distribute Jim Beam. Yup, you saw that correctly, 120 million dollars bitches. You know how many nannies that’s going to score me? The flagship cocktail is no doubt the Skinny Girl Margarita, a barely noticeable spin on the regular margarita. Hell, I can hardly figure out what’s different about it. Mom says she shaved off a few calories from the original recipe, but the recipe on her website looks pretty damn close to the original – maybe a tiny bit less Triple Sec? But that’s the genius of it all! Why change a good thing? Just tweak 1 small piece, slap your name on it, and watch the money roll in. I’m already pitching some ideas that I’m sure you’ll be seeing soon: the Refreshing Girl Margarita (1 extra ice cube), the Fat Girl Margarita (replace lime juice with bacon grease), and the Raging Bitch Margarita (dash of hot sauce).
It’s not all fun and games though, sometimes the scum of the earth beg for handouts. For instance, a former manager of mom is coming after her for a big chunk of that business deal, almost $112 million of it. But that assface won’t get far, I’ve watched mom eat chumps like that for brunch. She’s unstoppable people. Why? Because you losers will feverishly buy anything with her face plastered all over it. And you know what, that’s gonna be me soon – my cute, pudgy little mug is going to grace the labels of organic baby foods, diapers, cell phones, luxury baby-sized SUVs, you name it. So get ready world, Bryn Hoppy is about to make you my bitch.
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Chelle
05/13/2011
How about skinny girl baby formula? I’m gonna be rich. No stealsies.
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
Sorry, but they already came up with that. It’s a regular bottle of formula that has touched a boob of Bethenny. It’s gonna sell like hot cakes.
Jules
05/13/2011
Damn. I was just about to come up with The Raging Bitch one….
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
Go the Daquiri route instead! It’s totally untapped!
TILTE
05/13/2011
I’m going to market The Super Skinny Daquiri. It consists of ice and a little secret ingredient I like to call Immodium.
Hands off, bitches. I’m going to be soooo rich.
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
Niiiiiice!
Dr Becca
05/13/2011
Triple sec is gross. All you need is a little simple syrup!
Now, where’s my $120 million??
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
Okay, so I agree that only peasants would use something like Triple Sec, the upper crust of society uses Cointreau instead. But what about just syrup, like maple syrup, rather than simple syrup? The Skinny Vermont-arita? Skinny Girl Maple-ita? Anyone? Is this thing on?
Dr Becca
05/14/2011
Oooh, a little multi-culti, I like it! Kind of Mariachi meets lumberjack.
Vinny C
05/13/2011
Skinny Girl Baby Formula… Raging Bitch Daquiri… Super Skinny Daquiri… Dang! All the good ones are already taken.
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
Right? Where’s our millions…
Abby
05/13/2011
Skinny Girl Oxygen shots, anyone? H2O, or 2 between a HO.
Dr. Cynicism
05/13/2011
“2 between a HO.”
LOVE. IT.
Nubian
05/13/2011
I have no clue as to who this woman is.
Life without TV is blissful. Do I dare Google the bitch?
Dr. Cynicism
05/14/2011
Nubian! What rock are you living under?!?! And is there room for me?
The blogger formerly known as "#"
05/14/2011
Who’s too skinny?
DO NOT comment on the outfit Sprocket gave me. (That’s not cutlery, but Blades of Chaos).
Geek out.
Dr. Cynicism
05/14/2011
lol, “blades of chaos” Nice.
Jonah Gibson
05/14/2011
Perhaps Kelly Bensimon will make her fortune with an absinthe based beverage franchise. The real winner in all this is Andy Cohen who is getting rich making celebrities out of socially inept women while the rest of us face an ever shrinking availability of intelligent programming.
Dr. Cynicism
05/14/2011
Okay, you are now officially my hero. At least for this weekend, maybe longer!
laughingmom
05/14/2011
So, Bryn, when does your reality show start? The world is ever so anxious to watch you learn to poop in the potty and pick a fight in the sandbox!
Dr. Cynicism
05/14/2011
It’s already starting laughingmom… I’ve worked my way into the Bravo sisterhood, so expect my breakout show any month now. Sandboxes will be MY playpen, I’ll drop bitches off those monkey bars, and steal men from the see-saw. I just need a name for the show…
laughingmom
05/14/2011
Bryn and BARE it! That allows for the occasional glimpse of something naughty!