Bigfoot Strikes Again?

Earlier this month we brought you a story (with video) of an alleged Bigfoot in Utah. Apparently the damn things are everywhere, because a ‘scientist’ (you’ll understand the use of quotes in a moment, I promise) in Texas says she’s come across some Bigfoot DNA and sequenced it.

And it’s similar to humans, but different, too. Dr. Melba S. Ketchum, of Nacogdoches, Texas, says:

“Our study has sequenced 20 whole mitochondrial genomes and utilized next generation sequencing to obtain 3 whole nuclear genomes from purported Sasquatch samples. The genome sequencing shows that Sasquatch mtDNA is identical to modern Homo sapiens, but Sasquatch nuDNA is a novel, unknown hominid related to Homo sapiens and other primate species.”

Clear as mud, right? Ketchum says this divergence in nuclear DNA probably occurred, or was introduced, about 15,000 years ago.

Now, let me nerd-out on you for a moment. There’s one thing I learned from my undergraduate archeology class (which was a lot of fun, mostly because the professor enjoyed mocking the business students in our class who were taking the course to meet their multicultural requirement) and that thing is archeologists like to fight about one certain time period. Like, a LOT. It’s called the Clovis period. Clovis talks about how, all of the sudden, the same type of spear points and arrowheads (aptly named Clovis, for the town where they were first found) were found all over North America. Similar points were found in Europe as well. It’s basically this: BAM! Clovis (or Clovis-like) points all over the world! All of a sudden! No cares as to how they migrated all over the place that damn fast! Come and get your bifacial, fluted Clovis points!

There’s red ones and green ones and blue ones and gray ones…

Clovis is important because those are some of the oldest points in North America. At around 13,000 years old. That’s the one time where ALL archeologists can agree there were human beings in the new world. The hypothesis is actually called “Clovis-First”. We have the proof. Everywhere. And the Bering Land Bridge just happened to be open at about the same time. Other branches of archeology argue for earlier times (Biology says indigenous populations in North America may have diverged from Southeast Asian populations at about 30,000 years ago, and Linguistics also has a different answer that involves multiple waves of North American settlers), but everyone can agree that humans were here by 13,000 years ago, at the very latest.

But apparently Bigfoot—a human-ape hybrid of unknown origin—was here before that? Is that what Ketchum was trying to say?

Well, let’s back to this ‘scientist’ part. She states she has 27 years of veterinary DNA experience (didn’t they do that whole human genome thing back in the 90s? Is my math wrong?), but the Better Business Bureau gives her company the grade of ‘F’.

Then there’s the fact she won’t share her data, to see if results can be replicated. That’s a big No-No amongst the sciencey-types. Of course, if I got my data from a bagel left out in the backyard overnight, I’d hesitate to share it, too.

Yes, you read that right. A Michigan woman reports that she routinely sees multiple Bigfoots (Bigfeets?) in her back yard. So, she left out a blueberry bagel to see if one of them would take a bite and then leave the rest for scientists to research. The Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were happy to oblige, apparently. And Ketchum swooped in to sequence their DNA.

You know what? We need to all band together, demand that the Bigfoot shows on television are removed before they completely rot our brains, and start watching something else. Maybe some of the sciencey-types should come up with some new reality-reality television shows. Maybe we could have the Clovis-Firsts compete with the Linguistics and Biological peeps to decide when we first made it over here… Wipe-Out style.

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