There are stories made for television, invented by writers, plots we watch with rabid interest, all while scoffing in the back of our minds or while yelling at the TV, ”THAT would never happen!”
And then real life proves us all wrong. It totally would and did happen.
Recently, a six foot tall, 300 lb (ish) man, who had just picked up a hitchhiker, decides he’s Jesus Christ, starts shouting the N-word, declares that he can do whatever he wants, sees a black man working for the electric company PG&E, and drives his car into the man, pinning the man to his truck.
He’s like you know what, I’ve come to realize I’m Jesus Christ and I can do anything I fucking want to.
But it doesn’t end there. Some women run over to help and racist Jesus jumps out of his car and starts beating one of the women up.
Wait for it. There’s more.
Then the hitchhiker, Kai from “Dogtown,” who happens to have a hatchet, jumps out and beats racist Jesus in the head with the hatchet, saving the woman.
I grabbed the hatchet and I was like smash, smash, SUHMASH!
Then, and this is my favorite part, Kai tells his tale to reporters in a very NSFW, profanity-laden yet sweetly adorable interview, bless his homeless, hitchhiking heart. If you can, you really must watch all the way through. I want to shrink Kai and put him in my pocket, take him every where I go, if just to save me from racist deities.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4Y7i1ASCS5o
The moral of the story here is: nothing good happens in Fresno; Jesus might be a racist, murderous madman; and always pick up hatchet-wielding hitchhikers.
Lance
02/05/2013
I’m going to gamble with the possible wrath of my Lord and say that man wasn’t the son of God. Just saying.
Andrea
02/05/2013
well, that is contingent on a god existing at all, which I don’t buy. but, the Jesus from the Bible? yeah, doesn’t sound like him.
Kath
02/05/2013
if that was Jesus, he’s got a lot of ‘splaining to do. can we clone Kai?
Andrea
02/05/2013
yes he does! I think we *need* to clone Kai. it’s necessary.
Nick Daily
02/05/2013
BEST. EXPERIENCE. EVER.
<3
Andrea
02/05/2013
HEE! agreed!
Jester Queen
02/05/2013
He would totally be the irritating mooching brother in the sit com version of this. That bit where he says he’s dead to everybody who knows him is kind of sad. But he’s also mugging for free surfware. What a hoot.
Andrea
02/05/2013
a hoot indeed! I was laughing at him the whole time and then he hit us with the sad stick.
Damon Rallis
02/05/2013
This is the best. Ineternets. EVER!
Andrea
02/05/2013
EVARRRRR!
mylittlebecky
02/06/2013
I love it when he talks to the camera. He is great. Also, if you want to see him singing, smoking and playing a guitar, his YouTube is Kaisongbird. Pretty sweet.
Andrea
02/06/2013
oh I must see that! love. love.
Handflapper
02/06/2013
I think I want to make a baby with Kai. That’s sort of like cloning, isn’t it?
Andrea
02/06/2013
sort ooooof. but it probably wouldn’t have Kai’s unique personality.