There are stories made for television, invented by writers, plots we watch with rabid interest, all while scoffing in the back of our minds or while yelling at the TV, ”THAT would never happen!”
And then real life proves us all wrong. It totally would and did happen.
Recently, a six foot tall, 300 lb (ish) man, who had just picked up a hitchhiker, decides he’s Jesus Christ, starts shouting the N-word, declares that he can do whatever he wants, sees a black man working for the electric company PG&E, and drives his car into the man, pinning the man to his truck.
He’s like you know what, I’ve come to realize I’m Jesus Christ and I can do anything I fucking want to.
But it doesn’t end there. Some women run over to help and racist Jesus jumps out of his car and starts beating one of the women up.
Wait for it. There’s more.
Then the hitchhiker, Kai from “Dogtown,” who happens to have a hatchet, jumps out and beats racist Jesus in the head with the hatchet, saving the woman.
I grabbed the hatchet and I was like smash, smash, SUHMASH!
Then, and this is my favorite part, Kai tells his tale to reporters in a very NSFW, profanity-laden yet sweetly adorable interview, bless his homeless, hitchhiking heart. If you can, you really must watch all the way through. I want to shrink Kai and put him in my pocket, take him every where I go, if just to save me from racist deities.
The moral of the story here is: nothing good happens in Fresno; Jesus might be a racist, murderous madman; and always pick up hatchet-wielding hitchhikers.