Oh Governor Jan Brewer. What’s her deal? She’s either an extreme sadomasochist or the evil queen from any single Disney movie. At any rate, she really love to play the villain. When she’s not enacting racist immigration laws, she also shoots puppies and kittens in her free time.
Just kidding about that last part. I hope. Jan? Care to comment?
It seems Jan is choosing to remain silent on the shooting puppies debacle. To be fair, we made it up and didn’t actually call her office to comment. Hooray for responsible journalism!
I think the word you’re searching for is, “Anyway.”
For her latest act of Disneyesque villainy, “In a move designed to appease anti-abortion advocates, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed into law Friday a bill that cuts state taxpayer money to Planned Parenthood. Use of public funds for abortions is already restricted in most cases in the state, but the new law will ensure that taxpayer money isn’t going indirectly to support abortion services.”
Oh, Jan Jan Jan. Did you learn nothing from Susan G Komen? Do you really want to go on record with Susan to prove you’re pro-life by restricting access to life saving services? This is not about abortion, hon. Planned Parenthood provides all sorts of valuable health services to women who cannot get them elsewhere and, I know this may come as a shock, women like to be healthy. Especially when it comes to their lady parts. Even poor women. Shocker, I know.
I mean, I’m sure most women don’t actually go to the PP for abortions. I guess I shouldn’t speak for them. As for me, I know I like to get my annual free abortion when I get my breast exam and pap smear and HIV testing and free birth control. And I’ve not ever been pregnant either, because of the aforementioned birth control that the PP gives me for free. Funny how that works.
Do you really want to get on the wrong side of this war on women, Jan? And, just a thought here, has anyone told Jan she’s a woman too? Maybe in the rush to be the GOP darling, she’s forgotten. Perhaps we should send Jan a replacement uterus and ovaries since she seems to have misplaced hers. It’s like Jan and the GOP have forgotten women can vote now. We can also wear pants and drive cars. Hooboy!
Maybe Jan is just so scared of the A word that she’s forgotten about her breast exams and pap smears. Or maybe Jan doesn’t need contraception (35% of services Planned Parenthood provides) or STI/STD Testing and Treatment (34% of services) or cancer screening or prevention (17% of services) or other services like pregnancy tests and infertility treatments or even adoption referrals (11% of services). No, all Jan cares about is that 3% of what Planned Parenthood provides are abortion procedures. Never mind that hospitals also provide abortions, but most of the women who use any and all of Planned Parenthood’s resources can’t afford fancy schmancy doctors.
Because Jan doesn’t care about abortion really. She cares about who can pay. And if you can’t pay, you don’t get your abortion and you don’t get your breast exam and you don’t get your contraception which will prevent your abortion. And the cycle of assfuckery goes round and round. (Sorry, this post is rated PG13 for brief language. The rest of this post will be written in binary). Regardless, Jan knows that abortion is legal and so instead of going after the actual law, she’s picking on the underdog. Classy move, that.
All I can say is that I feel for the women of Arizona. Though, I’m sure California and Oregon will take them as refugees. I’ve got space on my floor and a stockpile of condoms from my local Planned Parenthood.
brahm (alfred lives here)
05/07/2012
She is a scary woman… time for the voters of Arizona to wake the hell up and realize what a loon she is…. I saw a video of a TV interview with her and she really looks unhinged from reality, in an Octomom Kardashian kind of way, but more scary and less funny….
Andrea
05/07/2012
agreed. she’s unreal.
Lance
05/07/2012
Thinking in the Disney or tv show 24 villain mindset:
wouldn’t you think that not allowing poor women abortion and contraception would be the OPPOSITE of what rich people should want? I mean they have the Origin of Species, natural selection, survival of the fittest world they dream of if they let the underclass control how many children they have? right?
this is the biggest problem with righties these days. They can’t run the plays in their playbook correctly.
Andrea
05/07/2012
I know right? it’s like they’re really failing on the villainy. someone should hire Milleficent or Ursula to consult.
Adrienne
05/07/2012
They have gone completely off the deep end. Mostly, they don’t want anyone to have sex except for rich, white, heterosexual people. Also, they want to have more reasons to put not-rich, not-white, not-heterosexual people in prison.
You know, good, upstanding rich, white heterosexuals like Newt. People who really know how to handle their sexuality.
I do have this to say about Gov Jan Brewer: she’s the only governor in the US right now who is even loonier than NM Gov Susana Martinez, so yay for not being the very worst for a change!
Andrea
05/07/2012
they don’t want anyone to have sex unless it’s for popping out babies. if you’re not procreating, you’re the madonna or the whore. pick one.
Lisa
05/07/2012
Andrea, Pay for your own birth control and stop whining! There are real victims out there and they are not snobby white liberal women who contribute nothing to society but bratty articles like this one.
Jules
05/07/2012
*Ahem* I pay for my own birth control as well as any uninsured children, moms, kids who don’t have health care and end up in the hospital. I also support Planned Parenthood wholeheartedly.
Lisa
05/07/2012
Congratulations, Jules. You are a mature member of society.
Andrea
05/07/2012
Jan? Is that you? Back away from the puppy!
seriously though, if I paid for my bc, how would I pay for all the hookers and blow?
Bazooka_Knight
05/07/2012
Hi, my name is Andrea and I’m a victim. Wahhhhh. Poor me. Pay for my birth control so I can go on a crazy sex rampage. Yeah!
Ms.Hill, PhD.
05/07/2012
@ Bazooka_Knight and @ Lisa:
Why are you two wasting your time? Liberal women like Andrea will be extinct in fifty years or so. Reason: They are not reproducing. History favors conservatives–just assuming you two are. Let them enjoy their birth control, abortions and butt sex. Theirs is the destiny of Sodom, Gomorrah, and Europe. Just sayin’
Adrienne
05/07/2012
Huh. And here I thought I was a liberal woman with four children. I must have gotten confused…
lisa
05/07/2012
You ain’t got nothin’ on the fundies honey. I hope all your liberal friends have four kids too
Andrea
05/07/2012
nope, Adrienne. you’re mistaken. they’ve branded you a whore and so you must be. give back your birth control and implant a bible between your legs STAT.
Adrienne
05/07/2012
I don’t have a uterus anymore so I guess there’s no more sex for me!
Bwahaha!
Jules
05/07/2012
You do know that the Sodom and Gomarrah story was about rape and inhospitality, don’t you? http://www.themillennialdispensation.org/tsosag.html
Ms. Hill PhD.
05/08/2012
Yes, Jules I know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is about rape and inhospitality. My point was that there isn’t a Sodom and Gomorrah anymore. The European population is disappearing too. So shall be the destiny of ye liberals. You really aren’t procreating enough to sustain your ideology. Will Ms. Anthony produce enough children to pass on her ideology? There is a reason you liberals are considered “radical” you’ve never won a period in history. Tell me, did any of our great ancient civilizations achieve gay marriage? Why wasn’t there a King Louis and King Charles? Yep, good luck with that.
Jules
05/08/2012
I’ll be sure to tell all of my liberal friends to stop procreating then. Thanks for the heads up.
Ms.Hill, PhD.
05/08/2012
You’re welcome. Thanks for admitting the obvious. And you don’t have to tell your friends to stop procreating they have already given up according to statistics.
Sorry, I meant “butt sex”. I guess you have no catchy come backs for that one either.
@ Andrea, you’re cute too. Pretending you know about evolution when you are obviously on the losing side. Good luck with that!
Andrea
05/07/2012
I’ll be extinct! hah! how do you manage that?
good thing I actually paid attention in science class and know how evolution actually works. I might be able to combat this whole extinction business.
Ms. Hill PhD.
05/08/2012
Yes, survival of the fittest really works when you take birth control so you never get pregnant and then Oops! when you get pregnant go to PP and get an abortion and Oops! now you’re 40 without any kids. Then you can’t pass on your apparently weak liberal genes and you become EXTINCT as do your ideas.
And as far as I know, “but sex” never produced any offspring. So yeah, that would be survival of the fittest.
Jules
05/08/2012
FYI, I’m pretty sure the PP in my area doesn’t PERFORM abortions. They talk to women about their options but the women’s clinic where I see the crazies walking in front holding signs isn’t a PP.
And did you mean “butt sex” or “but sex’” as in “We didn’t do anything but sex.”?
Andrea
05/08/2012
that’s adorable. too bad that’s not how natural selection works at all. but it’s cute that you’re holding on to hope.
Jules
05/07/2012
So…. since I’m married, use birth control, have used Planned Parenthood, and support their services, are you going to tell me to go on a crazy sex rampage? Hubby will love that!
Andrea
05/07/2012
you slut. how I love you.
Andrea
05/07/2012
your name is Andrea too? whoa! huge coincidence. I’ll meet you friday for our crazy sex rampage. bring the pitchforks and I’ll bring the condoms.
Bazooka_Knight
05/07/2012
@ Ms. Hill,PhD. “Butt sex” “just sayin’”? You, Ms. Hill are HILARIOUS!!!
Your mom goes to college
05/07/2012
Hey commenters who are picking on the author of the article and not “contributing” a useful argument to the defense of dear old Jan, way to make yourselves look classy! And smart!
Andrea
05/07/2012
thank you
three cheers for classy and smart!
lisa
05/07/2012
Because calling elected officials Disney villians is so classy! Oh, excuse me, I thought this was the Cranberry Tea Room. Andrea is the queen of snark and I think she and her whiney minions can take a spoonful of their own medicine! Girl Power!!!!
Andrea
05/07/2012
it was satire, sweety.
and queen of snark is precisely the title I was going for. best compliment of the day!
Lance
05/07/2012
If we, and I’m including Lisa, Bazooka_Knight (I’m sure that’s the name your mama gave you) and Mrs Hill and her P.H.D. in “we”, ignore the health concerns of the dominant sex in our country out of fear of sex, we fail as a society.
Slut shaming is intimidation of women because they want to have as voice in how their bodies are looked after.
As the father of 3 daughters, I think we can do better. We should be better.
Andrea
05/07/2012
bravo, Lance!
lisa
05/07/2012
All women want to be taken care of. This is a FACT. Women who are not married look for the government to take care of them. Congratulations, Andrea. Your article has proven everything you try to deny with your “Feminism.” You don’t have a husband (or a wife) well, then I guess the government should pay for your birth control. I guess the government should spend millions—billions? of dollars every year on educated, liberal, sexually active white women like yourself. This money would have been better spent on the truly needy: those with crippling medical conditions, widows who have children to raise, those born with birth defects, wounded soldiers etc.
@ Lance, if you wish to support the sexual practices of liberated women with birth control, abortions, etc. then be my guest. Contribute 5% of your income as I do (on a small hourly rate) to the issues that make your heart beat. BUT PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME TO. Thanks.
Adrienne
05/07/2012
“All women want to be taken care of. This is a FACT.”
As we say in those bastions of liberal indoctrination called universities, show us the research that backs up your assertion. Until then, we will assume you are making shit up.
Andrea
05/07/2012
it’s a fact? whoa. we’re getting awfully lax on what we call facts these days.
Lauren
05/07/2012
Lisa –
As a single conservative woman, I take offense to your implication that I “look to the government to take care of…” me.
Furthermore, your statement that “All women want to be taken care of” is bullshit. These days, there are plenty of independent and amazing conservative women in existence. We are not invisible nor are we mythical. It’s women like you, who believe that all women want to be taken care of who keep us in the dark ages. I do not need a man to be worth something to society.
NOR do I need a man to be a conservative woman, thank you very much.
Andrea
05/07/2012
bravo, Lauren!
Jules
05/08/2012
Amen!!
lisa
05/07/2012
I think all the liberals who support this article are proof. All you educated people can’t figure out a way to pay for your own birth control? You have to ask conservatives to help you. Smart, actually.
Andrea
05/08/2012
they’re smart enough to understand satire and hyperbole.
Lance
05/07/2012
@Lisa
6 1/2 percent of my income goes to that. I’m part of a full coverage family health investment plan and contributes to all of that.
That’s called a big bowl of shut up, Lisa.
Lisa
05/08/2012
@Lance
Still not sure why I need to pay for those services–especially if I believe abortion is equivalent to redrum. Congrats on the 6.5 % that you spend on your own family. I pay for my family’s insurance and give away 5% on top of that.
Andrea
05/07/2012
I would just like to state for the record and without any snark or agenda, I do actually pay for my birth control. but Planned Parenthood was there for me when I couldn’t and I do actually need it for medically necessary reasons. I continue to go there for my exams because I’ve always received the best care and I leave them a nice donation.
satire is satire and it’s to prove a point. hyperbole is for laughter.
but plenty of people need these valuable and necessary programs. they need education and contraception and exams and support. they can’t afford to go to doctors and then they’re demonized when they get pregnant at 16 because no one bought them condoms or they miss a breast cancer detection because they can’t afford insurance, all because they go to the evil Planned Parenthood. well guess what? PP prevents abortions. they do. by cutting off Planned Parenthood, we’re cutting off our noses to spite our faces.
Sarah
05/07/2012
Well said.
As a person who pays for my own health insurance (and an educated uber-liberal mother of TWO liberally-raised children– the horror!) I am happy to report that I’ve never seen a Planned Parenthood that actually provides abortive services (most don’t) but I have seen the one who helped me treat the cervical cancer I had from being a DES daughter.
But that’s what fiscally conservative deregulation of federal agencies gets you: Women of my generation born with missing limbs, with uterine cancer at the age of six, developing cervical cancer at the age of 19…
Andrea
05/07/2012
word. it’s sad every gets so scared by the A word (which is another necessary procedure, but that’s a post for another day) that we forget that places like this save women’s lives. and I didn’t even get into how they help battered women.
Kristi
05/07/2012
You hear that??? I think it’s troll silence.
Funny how that article wasn’t really ABOUT birth control yet that’s all that was focused on. I could hear the door closing in your mind from over here.
Andrea
05/08/2012
hehehehe
Chris
05/07/2012
As a man who hasn’t made any children, let me plant my flag on the pro-Planned Parenthood side. I am glad a portion of my taxes goes to this incredibly valuable service to the community. And if I could, I would direct more of my taxes to be spent providing care for EVERYONE in the country, not just women. But then, I’m just a snobby liberal who contributes nothing to society.
Adrienne
05/07/2012
Virtual high five!
Andrea
05/08/2012
Chris, you so rock. as always.
Lex
05/08/2012
I wrote a huge long serious comment, and then my computer blue screened (I blame the trolls) so it got deleted.
So, instead.. I will only say this:
There would be a lot more illegitimate babies of politicians running around if we go back into the dark ages. And “Teen Mom – the Politician’s Mistresses” would be in season 32.
Lisa
05/08/2012
History lesson Lisa: Do you know why there was a period called “The Dark Ages”? Because the Roman Empire fell. Do you know why the Roman Empire fell? Yeah, I’ll let you research that one. Oh, by the way, the Romans were huge fans of infanticide and homosexuality. It’s scary how you can look at human life and treat it with the respect of an infestation of roaches–that need to be squashed.
Brooke
05/10/2012
Lisa, the Dark Ages is a pretty limiting construction of that period of ancient history that fell between the fall of Rome and the Middle Ages. Inasmuch as it was a “Dark” age at all, it was only so for Western Europe. The Byzantine Empire, for instance, was busy producing medical textbooks and performing complex surgery for the whole of that period. They even let women be doctors. Imagine that.
The notion that promiscuity brought down the Roman Empire and, with it, the whole of human knowledge is counter-factual, to say the very least.
brahm (alfred lives here)
05/09/2012
Lots of theories actually blame the fall of Rome on division of Rome into two empress, as well as disease, the rise of different religions, and general military insurgence as every empire eventually is challenged… I don’t think we can really blame this one on anal sex. Though I am sure there is a Bob Guccione porn film out there somewhere that would argue differently. WIth pictures.
I believe that the argument you make about human life should really start with the woman, and treating her life with respect and choice. And Planned Parenthood does so much good work for women who cannot afford health care afterwards, we should ensure women have health education and sex education and health care. No one wants abortion, the way to bring it down is thru education and care, not from pushing it dangerously underground.
Sarah
05/09/2012
I think there were also some problems with fighting off the Goths, who kept hitting the Northern borders, and a possible drought that effected wheat production…
But let’s go with infanticide (which has been disproven by archaeologists time and again) and homosexuality (which was actually the Greeks,and not the Romans).
You want to know what the Romans actually did? They used birth control extensively! And built the largest empire in the ancient world…
Lisa
05/09/2012
Lest we idealize the Roman’s too much let us first remember their treatment of women. And I’m not against birth control and yes, you’ll find this shocking–I’m not against abortion clinics existing. I just don’t believe public monies should be used to pay for them. If there are so many of you good, educated and enlightened people who support abortion clinics and free birth control then certainly you can find a way to fund them privately. That is really all I am saying.