In Touch Weekly has been ‘in touch’ with some Royal Vajayjay lately, reporting that Kate Middleton and Prince William can’t have a baby!! Holy crap people, this is huge news, and I’m lucky enough to be THE ONE to cover this incredibly solid, evidence-based article for Sprocket Ink! I mean, a journalistic powerhouse of integrity like In Touch Weekly won’t let us down, amiright? Yes I’m right.
Here’s the scoop: someone caught the ear of Camilla, Prince Charles’ current wife who’s name always reminds me of my favorite candy bar back in high school, and told her that Kate had some adolescent health issues that might lead to infertility later in life. Well okay, so that type of “evidence” isn’t exactly a doctor’s sworn testimony, but I guess it’s something. Hmm, didn’t I read somewhere that both Caramello and the Queen aren’t super fond of Katie (may I call you Katie? Thanks), so those two are probably just stirring the pot? Oh that’s right, I read it in this same In Touch Weekly article. Alright, no biggie, rumors are simply facts that haven’t yet been confirmed. So we just need some confirmation.
Among the short list of people that could actually confirm this, we can be assured that the Royal Doctor/OBGYN would be at the top of that list. (Wait, what? Yup, let’s meditate for a moment on that lovely tidbit of knowledge – there is an actual Royal OBGYN, which is straight up awesome.) So anyhow, the Royal OBGYN (His Royal Papsmearist, Spreader of the Royal Curtains, Royal Wielder of the Golden Speculum, Royal Ranger of the Enchanted Labia Forest, I could go on and on…) has actually NOT confirmed anything thus far, but it is suspected that Kate has met with him to have some tests run. For some reason, this doesn’t quite jive with the article’s headline that proclaims “Royal Doctor Confirms: She Can’t Get Pregnant.” Exercising a little journalistic wiggle room there, huh?
Alright, I’m sure there are some cold hard facts somewhere. Oh! Here we go! The royal biographer states:
If Kate is not pregnant within the next nine months, she’ll be defying 200 years of British tradition.
Also, if WillyKat (see what I did there?) can’t conceive a biological child, the task is passed on to Harry the party boy! Wait a minute, none of that crap has anything to do with whether Katie is actually infertile. Why in the hell is this even news?! C’mon In Touch Weekly, don’t toy with the world’s emotions like this! My wife and I have personal experience dealing with infertility, and we can’t wait for the day when our reproductive complications are plastered all over the tabloids and exploited for nothing more than money and train-wreck-rubber-necking gossip. So get your shit together and break this story fo’ realz as soon as possible!