Great news, ladies! All our problems are solved. Turns out, we’ve been making them up this entire time! Not only have we been doing birth control all wrong, but we’ve been misunderstanding rape too. But what did we expect? We’re just dumb females. Good thing we have a big, strong man to set us straight.
But let’s hear it from the man himself. Rep. Todd Akin, a Republican from Missouri who is running for Senate, said in an interview released Sunday:
First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down. Abortion isn’t the answer even if those defenses don’t work.
The Senate hopeful went on to say that the sun does, in fact, revolve around the earth, magnets work by the miracle of Jesus Christ, and unicorns were left off the Ark because they were vain and pompous assholes and totally deserved to die a watery death. Just kidding. He was only thinking that last part. He just wished he’d said it. Next time!
There are so many things wrong with this dude, I have no idea where to start. Screw science! Women are magical and if they get legit raped yo, they can’t get pregnant! It’s god’s birth control plan and the state doesn’t even have to pay for it.
Just exactly which doctors are explaining this to him? Because I’m pretty sure telling a small town rube that women can spontaneously abort rape babies counts as malpractice, or, at the very least, cruelty. Yes! That must be it. Akin’s bully uncle was a doctor and bet his buddies that he could make his dumb nephew believe just about anything. It must’ve been a rich payday indeed for Uncle Ed Akin, I tell you what.
Also, don’t get me started on the “legitimate rape” part. Legitimate? As opposed to illegitimate rapes? As if women are just making the whole thing up. AND! Much like how drowning a woman would prove if she’s a witch (totally works, bee tee dubs), if a woman gets pregnant after a quote endquote rape, it must not have been rape! Because, and try to keep up here, rapists’ babies are all miscarried. All our legal issues are solved. Throw the book out the window. Hallelujah praise baby jeebus.
Sigh. It’s guys like Akin who are the same people saying the elitists liberals with their brainwashing educations are the ruination of this country. Look, I’m not here to argue about abortion or not. But the dude thinks that you can’t get pregnant from a rape! He actually said that. He also said that, “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
What? Was that reference too dated? Oh bite me. It’s funny.