Man Left With Only One Good Side After Brawl With Girlfriend

Physical exertion can make you hungry. I always find myself with a bigger appetite when I am upping my workout regimen. When this happens, I like to snack on really unhealthy, but convenient things. Rarely do I find myself on the treadmill thinking, I’m really craving rare meat. Of course, my cardio isn’t the same as what you might experience in say, a boxing match or a knock down drag out fight with your mate.

Does this tramp stamp make me look like an ear-biter?

Apparently there is something about physical violence that brings out the inner carnivore. We saw it back in 1997 when Mike Tyson took a bite of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a boxing match. It was one of those things you chalk up to too much testosterone and a blood rival match. Tyson always seemed a little off anyway, but one Florida woman could give Tyson a run for his money in the munching market.

Sarah Wulchak, a 32 year old woman from Florida, is accused of biting off the top of her boyfriend’s ear during a domestic dispute. Wulchak’s boyfriend, 53 year old Steve Bolin, claims that he was sitting down to eat a bowl of spaghetti when the fight broke out. Though I can’t be sure, I am going to assume that Ms. Wulchak was really hungry and that Bolin ate the last of the pasta. Several times I myself have gone to the kitchen to find that all of the pasta is gone from the pot and I’m left with nothing but sauce. It’s a let down and if my blood sugar was low, I might be inclined to throw a hissy fit too.

ANYWAY, this is how I see it playing out.

Wulchak- You’re an ass. You ate all the pasta! Where the hell is MY pasta? You never think about anyone but yourself!

Bolin- I bought the pasta. I made the pasta. I ate the pasta. Make your own.

Wulchak- (profanity, threat of violence)

Bolin- I don’t need this. (profanity and “I’d like to see you try”) I’m going to my room. (door slam)

At this point, what we know from testimony anyway, Wulchak followed Bolin to his room and laid the smack down. There was tussling. She was attacking him from behind. She bit off the top of his ear. He bled. She left. The next day, after deciding that half an ear is not exactly better than no ear at all and didn’t look as cool as he initially thought, Bolin reported the incident to the police.

Wulchak was arrested at a nearby hotel where I guess she went to finish her meal with a side of fava beans. She is charged with aggravated battery causing bodily harm/disability. At some point, I assume there will be additional charges pressed for theft.  It is believed that Wulchak stole his “good side”, and all future pictures will only be showing the side where his mustache is a little longer.

There is no word yet as to whether or not Bolin was able to find the top of his ear or if there is a chance in hell that he will learn to love his new look. There is also no definitive answer as to whether ear really does taste like chicken.

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