I win at life.
Welcome everyone to today’s impromptu Sprocket Ink press conference. Let’s cut to the chase – we’re all here to learn more about the recent arrest and resulting mugshot of Cory Smits, the 29 year old man from Two Rivers Wisconsin who was arrested for his 5th OWI (DUI or DWI for those not familiar; driving drunk or on drugs). Instead of laboring over details, I’ll move right ahead and start fielding questions from members of the press and internet here today.
Question 1: Is that the worst mugshot of the year? And by “worst,” I mean the most disastrously awesome?
Answer: If you cared to read the title of this post, you’d know the answer is yes.
Question 2: Did I hear you say that the picture is of a “man” that is “29 years old?”
Answer: Yes, yes you did.
Question 3: What are those shapes tattooed above his eyebrows?
Answer: Excellent question… directly above the circle-tattooed eyebrows are abstractly drawn dolphins. Even if the perp denies this fact, I think it’s pretty obvious – they’re magical dolphins.
Question 4: What’s with the perp’s hair?
Answer: Another great question… I don’t know. We have investigators looking into the water supply and county water quality near the guy’s home.
Question 5: Is this mugshot more awesome than the “Fuck You Forehead” guy?
Answer: Clearly.
Question 6: Is it better than Nick Nolte’s classic?
Answer: Well we’re still analyzing the details, but at this point in time, we’d feel comfortable saying “yes” to that question.
Question 7: What about the infamous mugshot of Lieutenant Forehead (a.k.a. the real Beavis)? Is it better than that?
Answer: Possibly. But again, we’re still working out the details. Don’t be surprised if they come out dead even in awesomeness.
Question 8: Dr. Cynicism, is there anything else you can add, or more details that you can provide regarding this case?
Answer: Yes, there is. Meth.
Thank you all and have a good day. We’ll keep the media posted about any breaking news or updates.
source | source
Libby
07/29/2011
Is that a 12-year old boy? Or a Hobbit?
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
A 12 yr old hobbit? On crack?
Vinny C
07/29/2011
It was all downhill for Gollum when he couldn’t get work after LOTR.
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
Oh shit that’s good!
Nubian
07/29/2011
Trying to think of something clever to say. Drawing a total blank.
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
Honestly, the picture just speaks for itself. I totally understand.
You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun...
07/29/2011
Why does he look like a fucked up infant??
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
I’m thinking a steady diet of hard drunks and paint huffing? But I could be wrong…
The Sweetest
07/29/2011
Wait, the first one is a grown up? He looks like an 8 year old. I am very confused.
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
See my above comment, lol. It’s just scary, right?!
Erin
07/29/2011
Yeah when I saw that photo I wondered: Why does that bald baby have tattoos on its face?
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
I won’t deny this – I cried a little bit after seeing it for the first time. Most likely tears of fear…
hisqueen
07/29/2011
are those dolphins or penguins on his eye brows. Plus I can’t decide if that’s a defect on his nose or if he had the top of his nose pierced.
aren’t there days you wish you had F U tattooed on your forehead so in class when there’s a stupid person you can just casually rub your eye brow while pointing to the tattoo.
Dr. Cynicism
07/29/2011
“aren’t there days you wish you had F U tattooed on your forehead so in class when there’s a stupid person you can just casually rub your eye brow while pointing to the tattoo.”
You are my hero right now – and probably for the rest of next week.
Nikki Rules
07/30/2011
Now that I jumped here from your blog, I’m very happy to say that I too now have a “happy place”. When a parent has a baby in their arms oohing and coo-ing, do you think they picture any of these images for the future of their child? Oh Dr, this was better than any kind of medicine (and by medicine, I exclude Capt Morgan. Of course. That goes without saying…)
Dr. Cynicism
07/30/2011
Hahaha…. these pictures must especially haunt new parents.
andygirl
07/31/2011
that’s like a methed out Benjamin Button right there. only explanation.
Dr. Cynicism
08/01/2011
I gladly accept that as the best explanation.
Loretta Sachsel
08/01/2011
Just a bad batch of citizens is all…the side effects of a diet ladened with genetically altered foodstuffs paired with snorting Comet (saw that in a Cheech and Chung movie)…
Dr. Cynicism
08/01/2011
LOL! Snorting Comet… that needs to go on the front of a t-shirt – right now!
Steve
08/02/2011
that lasy one is Buthead, but wheres Bevis?
Dr. Cynicism
08/03/2011
I don’t know – I think he looks more like Beavis. At least that’s what the internets tell me.