Pope Benedict XVI: Hello, I Must Be Going

Tomorrow at 8 pm Italy time, the Pope says “arrivederci Roma” or “see ya,” or something to that effect. He’s quitting. Whoever heard of such a thing. Now just as we all know there’s no crying in baseball, we were always led to believe that the only way you stopped being Pope is if your holy heart…stops. Now there is some precedent for quitting. Pope Gregory XII stepped down a while back, like almost 600 years back. So what’s with Pope Benny?

There are rumors of a sex scandal within the upper echelon of the church, again. Boys will be boys and all that. Officially, he’s tired, he’s old, whatever. He’s setting a bad example. He got snookered into taking a dead-end job, found out he didn’t like all the bullshit that went along with it and is now looking for a Get Out of the Vatican Free Card. So let him go. No one liked him anyway.

So how will his life change after he steps down? Well, we all know he has to move. There’s only one Papal bed and the new guy probably won’t want to share, at least most Catholics hope not. But then again, when in Rome…

The title. eh? Who really cares, everybody’s got a title and nobody makes any money. If he was giving up the big bucks, then I might be impressed. The ring goes. That big old gold nugget he wears will be smashed. Anything connected to the papacy that the current Pope isn’t using gets destroyed. Probably so it won’t end up on ebay.

The shoes. This one has to hurt. He’s giving up the red Prada shoes. I guess since he’s also giving up the fancy finery and hats he’s been wearing, the shoes might me a tad too ostentatious. But damn, I feel his pain on this.

He’s also giving up his Twitter account. Now many of us on the Twitterz believed he was quitting because he found out just how addictive it is, and no longer had the time or interest in running the Church. This has yet to be disproved. My money says he will open up a new account using an avi with boobs. You know… just to be anonymous.

Now don’t feel too bad for the man. He will be taking with him some type of pension plan (details need to be worked out for this as it wasn’t an issue 600 years ago),  a stellar health plan and a little pussy. Yes, that’s right. The Pope’s new residence already has at least one cat living there.

As the man in the white hat rides off in the sunset, let’s hope the new big man on campus can look at the real world we live in and offer some ideas more in the vein of what Christ taught. I seem to remember something like “we are all God’s children” and “do unto others.”

Yeah that.

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