Thank You For Flying Scientology Air, Your Nuclear Holocaust Carrier

If you’re familiar with the Nazca Lines or other similar designs on the earth’s surface, you’re likely aware of the alien theories that go along with them. These massive designs, so perfectly arranged, so precise, and so ancient can only be seen from the sky. How were they made? Why were they made? What purpose could they possibly have served? Have they served their purpose already?

Three hours north of Roswell, NM lies what could be the answers to all of your biggest Scientology questions. It’s also the location of what one man claims to be an “ancient alien cathedral” belonging to the Church of Scientology. There have been countless UFO sightings in the area, which makes one wonder if there isn’t a little something to this story.

Scientology Ground Zero

John Sweeney, a BBC journalist helps to explain one of these theories. According to Sweeney, this is the site of an underground bunker for the purpose of housing L. Ron Hubbard’s texts on Scientology (on gold disks, no less), and protecting the church’s upper echelon in the event of a nuclear holocaust. But, why there? Surely it’s not just aesthetically pleasing. You can’t see the pattern as you approach… unless you’re coming in on an AIRSHIP! That’s right, just a short walk from the massive formation and protection vault is an airstrip. The pattern (two diamond shapes with overlapping circles) is meant to serve as a landmark and guide to help Scientologists return to the planet earth after “Armageddon”.  This is where Scientologists go to “phone home”.

I feel a little slighted now. My church has new cushions on the pews and a fancy projector that puts the hymn lyrics on the wall for those of us too lazy to open a hymnal. They ask for donations all the time and encourage tithing. I’m beginning to wonder if they are saving up to buy an airship. Even if they are, I’m pretty sure I’m screwed. There are an awful lot of Methodists on the planet, and I dare say we’re sort of late in the game for buying a mountain to put a holocaust shelter in.

Perhaps I should start my own cult er… religion. I don’t have the funds for it yet, but I think it only fitting that my church put their bunker in England. This would be a perfect place for my people to land their mother ship.

I’ll let you decide where to put the landing strip.

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