Snakes in the City

Ever seen the movie Anaconda?  How about Anacondas, the much anticipated sequel?  No, okay, well this is kind of like the movies but with fewer stupid people…maybe…and fewer snakes…

Devin Winans saved his 1-year-old son from death by snake strangling/eating last week.

The snake was found wrapped around the boy’s leg, chomping on his foot in his crib.  His father had decided to check on the boy after he heard movement coming from the baby’s room.  Winans said he reached in the crib and felt something slimy and knew something was awry.  If you have a baby, though, you know he was probably thinking late-night vomit-fest or diaper blowout rather than large python.

One of these things just doesn’t belong here…

William, 1, was taken to a nearby hospital and treated for the snake bite, but otherwise survived unscathed.

The snake apparently escaped from a nearby apartment.  The owner, Shelby C. Guyette, was cited for not having a secure terrarium and for being an awful neighbor.  Why, oh why, do people feel the need to domesticate things that want to kill us?  You thought your neighbor with a tiny, barky dog was irritating?  Ever found that dog wrapped around your kid’s leg gnawing on it?  Okay, bad comparison.

So, for your convenience, I recommend a few equally creepy, easier to take care-of animals for this woman or anyone entertaining the idea of getting a snake:

Small bat. Hey, it might give you rabies, but you can get a shot for that before it kills you/makes you really foamy-at-the-mouthy.

I’m guessing this isn’t a proper terrarium either.

Hissing cockroach.  I hear they’re actually pretty clean little-ish bugs and they probably won’t get you cited if they escape.  Plus, you’ll never see them…if you don’t get that one, you don’t know anything about roaches.

See, they’re so affectionate.

Used car salesman.  These are just as slimy as snakes and have a similarly forked tongue.  Also, they’re more likely to pray on naive-looking older women than babies.

I don’t know, I think I’d take my chances with the python.

Well, now that you have a few options, good luck with your creepy pet selection.  All joking aside, don’t get a snake because you think it’s cool or goth or whatever.  They’re living creatures and deserve to be treated appropriately.  For me “appropriately” means screaming like a little girl and running in the opposite direction.

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