Sprocket Ink Years Are Like Dog Years But Weirder

Writing online three times a week for Sprocket Ink a lot like being the President of the United States. You make a lot of people angry, the pay isn’t equal to the work you do, your hair grays, you’re not as famous as Beyonce, but your sense of duty compels you enough to still feel proud. I typed duty, huh huh.

Today’s my one-year anniversary of being a columnist for the place where “news meets snark, daily”. Last year Sprocket Ink became my first regular media gig since 1995. This is kind of a big deal when you consider that boredom, trolls, discovery of your time in a Mexican prison, and readers with the attention span of meth addicted sand gnats lend to websites and their writers to not last long.

While I’ve written on the Internet on and off since 2005, I never imagined someone would put up with me for 365 whole days. But if you knew my Sprocket Ink boss and colleagues, then you’d understand this is a perfect marriage of co-dependent freaks. I type that with love.

I get asked a lot of questions pertaining to life as an online columnist for Sprocket Ink.

“Do you have to have a degree?”  – In the school of crazy? yes. Journalism or the Queen’s English? No.

Do you even think about what you’re going to post – Sometimes, but mostly never.

How are you paid? – A medieval bartering system that deals in unicorns, tacos, and hard liquor.

Do you get hate mail? – Yes. A lot of comes chicken sandwich zombies, gun enthusiasts, Lance Armstrong defenders, and family members. Most comes from the chicken zombies and family members.

Is there anything you won’t write? – Well, I’ve posted about Ke$ha, Jersey Shore and Lindsay Lohan. So the logical answer is; I stay away things that make me think.

Your first article was about flash in the pan Asian-American basketball player Jeremy Lin so what does this say about you? – I think it says that I love Shaolins over Ninjas and I had a bad first day at work.

You seem to have really gone left-wing in your views. Is this because of Sprocket Ink? – Yes, this place make carry my commie card everywhere I go. Actually, paying attention to the news tends to make a liberal a little more liberal, comrade.

What was your favorite column? – Oh, dayum, ya’ll, that’s like asking me which of my three daughters is my favorite (today it’s the youngest one). I’ll still proud of my Chick-Fil-A write-up from the summer: http://sprocketink.com/tastes-like-bigotry/ Mainly because it made certain friends and family members speak in hushed tones when I entered a room, and my teenage daughter rolls her eyes every time I go on a rant at home. FUN!

Who’s your favorite Sprocket Ink writer? – I hate, I mean love them all equally. I led some of these lambs to slaughter personally so, you know, warm and fuzzies in the middle of my robot heart. But I’ll just say my boss, the great “Michon” Nicole. I am not above sucking up.

Have you ever “killed” a column because it was too harsh or any other reason? – Sprocket Ink is at it’s heart, and I think it has one, right, yeah it does, a humor site dedicated to pop culture and the off-beat. I’ve canceled several columns because they weren’t funny. Probably should’ve deleted this one.

What’s your future at Sprocket Ink? – Dude, my password worked this morning. Now, I’m going to go get a chicken sandwich that doesn’t hate gay people, avoid my pistol packing fellow citizens and read something on this site funnier than what I just did. Maybe Sprocket Ink will let me be in their musical one day.

Thanks for clicking here. There are so many other places to look and Sprocket Ink has to compete with pr0n, people taking pictures of clouds and stalking your exes on the Facebook. I appreciate the chance to write for all of you, really, I mean it, jerks.