“Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch me there, where” - Joan Jett
Oh Siri, I’ll bet you never thought you’d see this kind of action. When you first appeared with your know-it-all attitude and passionless voice, the only caressing that ever came your way was a thumbs up to get your attention. But that was before the iPhone 5S was introduced.
Now the game has changed. First, they’ve confused you sexually. Your human handlers can now choose between a male and female voice. As creepy as that is, it gets worse. They’ve added a locking system to the phone which can only be opened through a registered fingerprint. Or maybe not.
Within 48 hours after the 5S was released, several groups have stated they have hacked through the fingerprint security. Some have unlocked it using various body parts. While Siri waits to be touched, she is now getting a little too cozy with nipples, noses, toes, cat paws and yes, even a penis. Though apparently the video tape evidence of the unlocking penis is inconclusive. Poor Siri, while previously she was awakened by a little fingering, now she is being suffocated by nipples trying to touch the screen.
As mature as it is to use your nipples or penis to unlock your phone, I hope you also register a fingerprint. We all know there are times when whipping out breasts or genitals, are frowned upon, and can actually get you arrested.
The 5S also has a Find My Phone feature so it can be located if it’s lost or stolen. Now considering what people are using to try and unlock the phone, I’m not so sure I want to get my phone back if it’s been stolen. And I doubt if Siri would tell me what kind of body parts have been touching her there (Yeah).
So in a month or two, when I’m ready to upgrade from my iPhone 4S, I think I’ll just go for the old iPhone 5. I’m kind of used to Siri being the cold, uncaring bitch who never correctly answers anything I ask, and at least if someone else uses the phone, I’ll be fairly certain only fingers were used.