The Perp Has Pooped, Prosecute The Pooch

You know Fox Mulder? You know how there was always a conspiracy going on with the government and they were always intruding into the lives of sexy, secrety FBI agents who probably would have fallen in love with me, IF HE EVER EVEN TOOK A MINUTE OUT OF HIS BUSY LIFE TO MEET ME, well, now it’s come full circle with dog poop. Yup, we now have the ability to match your dog to its poop through DNA we will have on file because you’ll be required to send it in when registering your dog with the city. [X-Files music]

The new plan is to have every dog in the city register with the city and pay $30 for a DNA test, which is a cheek swab sample and thus build a database to test poop against. A found pile of poop is then found and sent off to the same company to test for $50. My first question is, if you’ve spent money to register with the city and money to have your dog DNA tested, then why on earth would you not pick up the poop? Which then begs the question, why are we going to spend $50 of taxpayer’s money to test poop that is most likely to be a non-registered poop? I have another question, are cats required to register in this scenario? Are horses, they have big poops?

Does this company really think that people are so dumb that they don’t understand DNA? And I wonder how big the sample would have to be to test, because a mean apartment complex could conceivably test a little smear of poop left behind if they really wanted to get someone evicted. Yes, that’s right, they’ve said part of the plan might be to evict multiple offenders. I feel like they’re offering this service as a simple, transparent service but what it’s really doing is making dog owners twitchy and maybe a little scared. We should all go out for a beer.

I’m quite tempted to air-drop poop samples to cities around the US just to mess with the man, Miami, I’m coming for you. I agree it’s best to have dog owners pick-up poop, but in cities, leaving poop behind is already a crime. I’m torn because there are definitely people who shouldn’t have dogs and as an aside, I would be totally awesome at being the person who decided who gets to own dogs, in case you were wondering or in need.

Poop databases aside, pick up your dog’s poop because we don’t want to go back to open sewers in the street like they had during the times of Game of Thrones*. Also, do yourself a favor, and watch the video on PooPrints, where they talk about SCIENCE!

[ photos by:

BazzaDaRambler &

Lulu Hoeller