It was either Franklin Delano Roosevelt or Anna Nicole Smith who once said, “the only things who have to fear are boobs, and boobs themselves.” Since both people are dead and I’m really bad with quotes, I’m going to speculate Anna Nicole dropped that one night in between binges of cupcakes and prescription pills. But if you read enough into the rack of stories, all over the United States, recently, about women getting in trouble for breastfeeding their infants, you’d think that mammary glands were the work of Al Quada.
If you really want to know why other countries and terrorists hate us, well, here’s one story that may explain any and all trains of backward thought.
Tom Neijens, a Belgian diplomat in America legally, and his wife, Rosaline Remans, were kicked out of a members-only New York restaurant because when Rosaline decided to feed her baby, Luka, straight from the tap at her terrace seat. She did not get on top of the table and dance to Def Leppard before, during or after. According to the couple, they were just having lunch at the Metropolis Country Club in White Plains, New York. The couple were not members of the country club, but were allowed to dine there anyway, because of Neijens diplomatic status. Diners complained when Rosaline fed baby Luka, who doesn’t live on the second floor. When the couple refused to leave, the police were called and the couple were warned they were trespassing.
Look at the beady, evil eyes of that little jihadist and her mom’s malfeasance milk jugs.
Where were we?
As Tom ate, and Rosaline and Luka plotted, the Greensburgh police showed up and made everything better, right? Wrong. These days, in the United States, the cops are all Jack Bauer looking for evil in everything including babies named after Suzanne Vega songs.
The couple claim the police had their hands on their weapons as they approached them and told other diners to clear the terrace. Apparently Jack Bauer hadn’t gotten the PDF files from Chloe telling him that Baby Luka and her momma’s mams were not Homeland Security threats. Bauer, under the deep cover of “Detective Scott Harding” informed the couple they were suspected of being terrorists because of the black backpack Tom Neijens was carrying. Then Luka’s dad dropped a bomb of truth and reason. He flashed his I.D. showing he was the first secretary of the Belgium Mission to the U.N. So, the first time, Neijens said “do you know who I am?” was after the cop overreacted. So much for Europeans being arrogant and rude, huh? Then Detective Harding took his hand off his gun and taser and defended his actions to Neijens by saying (allegedly),
“In Sri Lanka, babies are used by terrorists,” and “You have to understand, this club has had terrorism threats in the past,” .
Really blue? Sri Lankan baby terrorists making their way to White Plains, New York? And a snooty country club is a target? Just say you’re sorry and go touch yourself to old 24 episodes.
No authorities have come forth to apologize only saying this was “a cultural misunderstanding.”
While the Neijens left through the back door with a wonderful, heartwarming story about American pride and prejudice to tell, the rest of us are left to wonder, when did Hooters turn from a bad themed breastaurant to tools of terror?
In the past few months, breastfeeding has made many others freak the freak out.
In May, Audrey Taylor of Michigan was told by a female manager to finish her natural child nourishment act at the restaurant Tony Sacco’s, in the bathroom. When Taylor said, really, dude?, the employee admitted that her own behavior was unlawful and the restaurant later issued an apology. The employee was female. Shouldn’t she have known better? She has boobies, too.
It happened in Canada as well, when Nova Scotia’s Kendra-Ann Nugent covered herself in a winter coat and nursed her 8-month-old daughter in a Claire’s store, an employee asked her several times to leave, despite Canadian laws that permit breastfeeding anytime, anywhere.
Back in my home state, Georgia, in a Savannah church last October, Nirvana Jennette (see above picture, great name), says she was forced out of her church for breastfeeding her baby. Her pastor called her “disrespectful,” and compared her to a stripper. I want holy homeboy to know that the guy he preaches about, Jesus, lived during a time when the only way you could feed babies was the bodacious bottle. So JC not only saw a lot of them, working, but I’ll be willing to drop a fiver that the King of Kings didn’t ask any ladies to cover up, put them away, go to the potty, or leave his presence.
Using terrorism as an excuse to overreact in any case has gotten way out of control. It’s Un-American. Since 9/11, there have been zero deaths from terrorism as a result of babies or breateses.
Last year the internet lost its mind over the Time mag cover of Katie Goodyear in California breastfeeding her pre-teen, okay, the kid was a toddler, but he looked big for his age, with the headline “Are You Mom Enough?”. Maybe the question and debate for 2013 is, “Are You Reasonable Enough?”
If you’re scared of a boob, so much to inconvenience and hurt others, then maybe the terrorists accomplished their goal 12 years ago. We live in fear, of boobs.