Tom Cruise Lining Up Wife Number Four? Get Ready For TomYo.

“Each generation wants new symbols, new people, new names. They want to divorce themselves from their predecessors.” – The Lizard King, Dionysus, Jim Morrison of The Doors.

Early in Tom Cruise’s 1990 epic stock car racing film, Days of Thunder, a rival, Rowdy Burns, played by Henry: Portrait of Serial Killer actor Micheal Rooker, taunts Cruise’s Cole Trickle character by bumping his race car with his own. Cole Trickle freaks out, starts yelling on his radio to his crew chief, Harry Hogg, played by a slumming Robert Duvall, “Harry he’s hitting me!”. Hogg, with his folksy charm, and wise words comforts Trickle by saying, “No Cole, he didn’t hit ya. He rubbed ya. And rubbin’ son, is racin’.

Rubbin’s racin’ has evolved into a euphemism for relationships. Dating, living together, marriage, and divorce are like that fictional Nascar race. You get rubbed, you lose your lead, you win, you lose, and you smooth out the dents in your car after each encounter with your significant other.

Either Tom Cruise learned nothing from his previous three marriages, Mimi Rogers in the mid 1980s (who introduced him to his controversial religion, Scientology, then later left the church), Nicole Kidman (who NAILS it play the young leggy doctor in Days of Thunder) in the 1990s, and most recently the weird five-year business deal with Joey Potter from Dawson’s Creek, Katie Holmes; or Cruise is smarter but coming across more desperate than the rest of us.

With the ink not dry on the divorce papers with Joey, I mean Katie, Tom Cruise has Cole Trickled back to an ex, twenty-seven year-old Yolanda Pecoraro. Websites and Tom Cruise’s public relations robots have leaked that TomYo is a thing. Allegedly, the striking unknown actress dated crazy Tom years ago, is a practicing Scientologist, and above all, the Church loves them some TomYo potential.

As the Scientologists circle and scan out an alien life form for the TomYo to sign with L. Ron Hubbard’s space pen, a question looms.

Why does Tom Cruise need to be married so bad?

As chronicled in yesterday’s lovely Chicken Sandwich Apocalypse post http://sprocketink.com/tastes-like-bigotry/ , I’m on marriage number two. But after marriage one fell like the statue of Saddam, I took some time to reflect, be a better father, talk to a therapist, learn how to cook, and wait until the right lady showed up two and half years later.  I’ll ask again.

Why does Tom Cruise need to be married so bad?

The snark is thick in this column but I’ll resist posting South Park legendary Tom Cruise episode. Get ready to buy your TomYo magazines, t-shirts and coffee mugs. Number four will be huge. Hope it works this time for Tom and Yolanda, because rubbin’ son is racin’.