Will We Be Wingless This Weekend?

As sure as shit that Santa Claus will go for a ride on December 24th, you can bet the farm that the week before the “Stupid Bowl” there will be a shortage of chicken wings. Now how does this happen? Last time I checked, a chicken had 2 wings, 2 legs, 2 breasts. The legs get divided into 2 pieces, just like the wings (who counts the tip anyway). Mysteriously, there is no shortage of legs, or breasts for that matter. Maybe I should have paid more attention in math class.

Well, there seems to be a reason behind these alleged shortages every year. It seems in the fourth quarter of the year, restaurants hoard them. Yes, they hoard the chicken in preparation for that football game where the sponsors promote the crap out of it, but will sue your ass if you mention the name. yeah that one.

So how does the average Joe get around this wing shortage? Well even though the National Chicken Council’s 2013 Wing Report (I shit you not) says there is only a slight decline in chicken production, a man has to take matters into his own hands. Leave it to Dewayne Patterson, 35 and Renaldo Jackson, 26 of Lawrenceville GA, who took it upon themselves to (allegedly) remove $65,000 in frozen chicken wings from their place of employment…or rather their former place of employment. $65K worth of chicken ends up to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 26,000 pounds of poultry.

But where do you get rid of that much chicken? Is there a chicken “yellow” market with underground garages where the purloined poultry is fenced? So far the perpetrators aren’t giving out the details. And while the arrested men have been released on bond, the wings have flown the coop. Not one has been recovered.

We need a referee to call fowl.