It’s fairly outrageous and terrifying that in today’s world, in a democratic, free, land of opportunity country, some people aren’t allowed the same rights as others. Like, getting married, for example. Little girls have played dress up for eternity, pretending to get married. In North Carolina if you were dreaming of marrying a girl, now you can forget it. But if you were pretending to marry your cousin (the one with all his teeth), well then hot damn you are in luck!
That’s right boys and girls. You can’t marry your partner if you gay, but you sure can marry your cousin. Just as long as you and your cousin ain’t gay too. Last week a pastor condoned beating your child if you caught him playing with barbies. He preaches in North Carolina folks. Wouldn’t doubt if he’s married cousins before. Maybe married to his own cousin. If you’re lucky you could probably attend one of his sermons where he most likely talks about how homosexuals will burn in eternity in a lake of fire.
I’m all for progressive thinking and civil rights, but maybe we should leave North Carolina alone? Let them breed each other. So as not to dilute the family genes. We may also want to consider letting West Virginia do their own thang, seeing as they would rather a rattailed felon in government than Obama. Although, the TV show Moonshiners is based in WV and it’s amazing. Just discovered it, and already Tickles is my favorite. It don’t matter that he don’t have all his teef.
In a place where gay marriage is outlawed, and cousins marrying cousins is a regular occurrence at the weekly hoedown (allegedly), should we not quietly back away, shut the door and pretend we never saw cousin Bucky and cousin Louann getting frisky in the barn?
Okay, of course we shouldn’t turn the other cheek. But nobody’s jaw dropped when they found out they could marry their cousin in North Carolina*. Can somebody write me a song about this? Preferably with some twang. And a banjo.
Does this mean the Branjelina wedding is off? God I hope so.
*Let it be known that you can also marry your cousin in the following states, just so you don’t have to travel all the way to NC: California, Colorado, New Mexico, New York, Vermont, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, Florida, Hawaii and Alaska. (Note that you can’t marry your cousin in West Virginia. They may make a mean moonshine, but it don’t mean they be makin’ googly eyes at cousin Bessie.)